Today

Today we said goodbye to my baby cousin Carson.

Today was one of the hardest things I have ever been through.

The baby lay in his casket looking like he would just wake up at any moment. Every time I looked at him I saw one of my two boys in that casket. The bad thing is there was a possibility that Chase could have died when he was born. Chase was 8-7 weeks early. He was put on oxygen, and had a very irregular heartbeat. Well within hours Chase did not need help breathing, and his heart beat did become regular. He stayed in the hospital with a few minor problems but nothing life threatening. I love my 2 boys so very much, that I think it would kill me if anything ever happened to them.

Jay and Melissa kept their composure so much better then I would have. They stayed strong for their 2 other children. If it wasn't for those 2 other kids relaying on them I don't think they could have been that composed.

As for my during the service I held up pretty well till I looked over and saw Jay lose it. I think it's so much harder on me to see my best cousin/friend go through something like this. He's 23, he shouldn't have to bary a children. He shouldn't have to go through this. Our family has already gone through with losing our grandpa around this same time last year. Then when my uncle Jason (Jay's Dad) got up is when I went over the edge. I couldn't hold it in any more. This 6 month old baby is gone for our lives. We'll never hear him speak, walk, run, play. He was just ripped from our lives and we want him back.

After the service I got back to being strong Shannon. Then we wnt to the cemertary while we all said our goodbye's Carsons 3 yr old Brother Jaxon kept going up to the casket and saying my brother's in there, thats my brother. I lost it again. Thats the exact same thing Chase would say when I was pregnant with Bryaden.

Thats all I can take for tonight more to come.